leaving a room

I understand that every relationship will face conflicts and arguments. Noone can expect two people from different background and different experience can fit so well and communicate so clearly. When there is a conflict, there is an exchange of thought. If both can get over it and understand each other, the level of getting knowing each other would enhance. Recently I am having some hard time. My bf gets frustrated so easily. Actually we are both lovely and knowing what we want in a relationship. However we both stress out. 1 hour ago we were being lovely watching tv at home. I was asking him nicely in a proper way to transfer some photos that he took to my computer. His first reaction is ‘I don’t have the photos in my computer. I haven’t transferred them yet’, with anger mood. It seems so troublesome for him to transfer those photos. Of course I am upset with him because it’s just a simple request. So I said fine if you can’t do it and walked away to another room to cool myself. Then he shouted and said that I changed my notebook’s setting. He came to me and said “MOVE”. I responded “Can you speak nicely. There’s way to get thing done. I don’t need this shit on Sunday when I need to relax” However he still piss. Anyone can take this or know how to handle this? Tell me how. I got scolded and stress for being nice?! All this while, I have been putting so much effort in him. Helping him with whatever I can and what I get in return is non-understanding. So I took my notebook and left the house. Driving and thinking..Questioning myself. I feel there’s no way to get myself down and upset because it won’t help at all. He won’t call and say sorry or do something to make me feel better. So why should I let myself down? I don’t need to expect anything from him. I just don’t feel I deserve to be treated like this. I give my best and if you think you are all right and not feeling sorry for what you have done. Then I have to say it’s not my problem. It’s your problem.

clear my mind

I don't know what's wrong with me since last 2 months until now. I have been losing appetite and losing weight. It's so obvious that everyone is asking me if I lost weight and what happened to me if I am on diet or eating diet pills. I said no. I am not on diet. I am not eating any diet pills. I am fine but not too well. Probably part of the reason is because I have changed a new job, adapting a new environment and things are still new to me and not what I expected. On top of that which most probably the main reason is I am feeling insecure and lack of confidence from my r'ship. Have felt insufficient tenderness from him and therefore feeling heart ache where I can't sleep well for many nights. My bf has been more busy since he started his new job and I notice his behaviour has changed in certain way. I don't feel good about it but I don't know how to tell him. We don't talk about things so much anymore, even sometimes I really need someone to talk to and he is just too tired and slept. Or maybe he is feeling stress too where we can't even talk about it. Leaving a heavy stone inside my heart... I am facing insomnia. Many sleepless nights. Seeing him so busy at work makes me feel losing out. I need more motivation to go through this hard time. I need some help. I want to go to some island to clear my mind.

What are we fighting about, baby?

Talking about relationships is fraught with peril, mainly because it's not easy to change the way you relate to your lovers. No matter what I say here, for many people it won't do much good. Most relationships are built around a way of communicating, and changing that can be really tough, even when one or both partners can clearly see the dynamic going on. These thoughts are offered as personal observations; Lord knows if anyone will actually learn anything or, if they do, use what they learn in their relationship. But with that disclaimer, and a big gulp, away we go.

What makes for a successful relationship? As far as I can see, it's that you feel that the other person knows who you are, cares about you, enjoys your company, and listens to you even when it's difficult. And, of course, vice versa. Without this base, there's not much to go on or grow on.

Feelings are important. Listen to your feelings. But don't get attached to them. Feelings come and go... unless you grab on and start running with them. Then they can get much, much bigger. ("Oh, is that all that was the matter?")

You can't argue about feelings. If you can trust your lover to tell you how they honestly feel, and to listen to you when you tell them your feelings' truth, you can go pretty far.

Not everyone likes to talk about their feelings. But if you can do it when you need to, that's enough.

Where do you start when you're angry with your lover? Or scared, or insecure, or jealous? How can you talk about it without it blowing up?

First, what is the feeling that is demanding attention? What are you feeling? It all starts with this.

It's tempting to refer to all these sorts of emotions--anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, loneliness--as "bad feelings." The problem with "bad feelings" is that it's easy to get confused about why they're bad. Sure, they may not be pleasant. But if they're honest, then they're vital. It is not wrong to feel these sorts of feelings. Don't squelch them when they come up; if you do, you bury part of yourself. And remember that if you let yourself feel these things, and if you can be real with your lover, and if it leads to you working things out... there is then nothing bad, at all! Where then is the "bad" feeling?

The next question is not "Why are you feeling that?" The reason is that feelings just happen. Emotions are not rational. Arguing about whether a feeling is genuine or legitimate is just a plain distraction from the situation: that something happened, and you had difficult feelings about it.

Another huge distraction is overgeneralizing. Going from "I felt this way when you did that" to "You always do that!" changes the discussion from a statement of personal truth into a battle over the cosmos. It's no longer about feelings. It's about reality, about arguing over who's right and who's wrong. Those arguments are distractions, once again. A feeling, by itself, doesn't make anyone right or wrong. It just is.

What went into that feeling? What prompted it, what other worries or concerns are in the background? Look under the surface.

The next challenge is, can you tell your partner this feeling? It's real easy to think, well, it's no big deal. I don't need to mention it. Little niggling resentments can grow very, very large if you habitually don't tell your lover how you feel. Be careful of a molehill growing into a mountain, because you wanted to be polite rather than being honest.

This isn't a license to be hurtful; telling someone how you feel is different from accusing them or blaming them because you feel that way. If you feel angry towards your lover, you can tell them about it without insulting them. If you lose so much respect for your partner that you can't resist insulting them or being sarcastic when having discussions like these, then your attempts to work things out will turn into withering crossfire. This may be your idea of fun, but I doubt it. Just say how you feel, here and now.

Does your partner listen? Before anything else happens, your partner needs to let you know that they heard you. If they ignore you, or dismiss what you're saying, or immediately start telling you how they feel, then there's not much communication happening.

Listening isn't the same as hearing successfully. You may tell your lover that you had a hard feeling when they did something, and they may hear that you think they're evil, when all you're saying is that you felt something. Check that your lover understood what you meant.

If your lover becomes defensive, that's understandable. It's hard not to. But it won't get you far. The question is not, were they right or wrong to do what they did? The question is, what to do about the fact that you felt what you felt? Defensiveness is a diversion. The challenge is to avoid putting your lover on the defensive; the challenge is letting them know that you care about them, that you want to work things out, even while you are dealing with intense emotions. Good faith is essential; if you don't want to work things out, or if they don't, then none of this will work.

Emotions can amplify themselves. Taking a feeling personally--dwelling on your lover's motivations, or letting a momentary irritation rise into a daylong vendetta--may give you an exciting emotional ride. But it doesn't help you work things out with your lover. The more you work yourself up into a towering panic or a quivering dread, the harder it'll be for you to talk things over without your lover reacting intensely as well.

What a worthless point? It's numbling obvious that you won't freak out if you don't freak out? Perhaps. I know that sometimes emotions are literally overpowering, in which case my advice isn't much good. But I also know that many people spend years in a simmering state of discontent, going over and over the same ground. It's easy to go from a feeling that comes up, arising from something that happens, into a long litany of past grievances. The more grudges you hold, the easier it'll be to turn your present feeling into a righteous battle over wrongs past and present. Stay here and now, if you can, both when you're talking to yourself and when you're with your lover.

Once your lover's heard you, then what? Then, perhaps, nothing. Maybe you just wanted to tell them to let them know what was up with you, and you don't particularly feel they needed to or should have done anything differently. Not every feeling demands a solution; if you leap too quickly from saying what's up to deciding what to do about it, you can miss the intimacy that comes with telling difficult truth. Sometimes tough feelings just happen, and all you need is support. Talking about the feeling is a complete goal in itself; it's not the prelude to anything.

If that's not the end of the story, then what is? Maybe your lover can't do much more than support you and tell you they care for you. If you're feeling insecure, well, that isn't always something your lover can fix. They may try, but ultimately many emotions come from within.

Though, of course, not all. If your lover broke an agreement between you, or acted in a way that you had told them you would feel badly about, then an emotional response is pretty understandable. Agreements are troublesome things; vital for giving the outlines of a relationship, distracting in that you can disagree over exactly what agreements were made. Again, good faith is key. What is the spirit of the law you're trying to letter? If you lose sight of that, the rules will be empty and hollow.

If your lover breaks your agreements, over and over again, then there are two questions: why are they doing this? and, why are you reentering the agreement with them? Trust is essential for a strong relationship. Trust comes from two things: knowing that agreements made will be kept, and knowing that you will both be there for each other, in good times and in difficult times. When that goes, it's not easy to recapture.

You do not have to put up with anything. If your partner doesn't have much concern for how you feel--if you don't enjoy being with them because of how they behave--then it will be very difficult for you to stay with them. Of course, good faith is needed; if you haven't let them know how you feel, then it's partly your responsibility that they continued to act as they did. And if your feelings have changed, you'd better have let them know about it, or else there's not much way they could be expected to act differently.

I'm not good at telepathy, and nor are most people I know. Anytime I hear "You should have known I was feeling this way," I wonder how helpful that is. The best way for me to know what my partner's feeling is to ask and find out. Nonverbal communication can only go so far, in my opinion.

This whole thing is really about trust. Avoiding the distractions, staying with your truth, not fighting or battling but talking and feeling. This is the way to a strong and lasting relationship. If you get into it for real, you will experience the whole sweep of emotions, sooner or later. Riding those waves with your lover is the path to a much deeper joy than the mere avoidance of "bad" feelings.

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience.

You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.

This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage forfulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHTPERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Specially for Cherrie Chan

Hi my dear sweet heart,altho sound like a lesbian...

Sorry, it's my carelessness that I don't remember today is your bday til you told me... VERY SORRY.

I will definitely celebrate with you when you come back from Japan ok? =)

Wish you have a very happy birthday and always look pretty, cute, funky, nice, cheerful, and iku iku....hahaha


MySpace Comments

human and bird

I always feel human is the most complicated creature in the world. Hard to observe, hard to understand, hard to tell, hard to fulfill. And how many of us really understand ourselves? What personality you have? What hidden character you have in you? What do you want in you and in life? Ever thought of how you want to improve yourself? as in controlling your short temper when you are pissed, be silent and willing to listen when somebody confront instead of start to argue again, avoid being too proud and sound like humilitating other ppl......... you can see the society as a whole, making up of different background, different culture, different mindset, different personality. Either one starts the conflict and no one take a step back, harmony will never exist. Just see from the people who are close to you, how well you can live together without any arguments? Many times we are avoiding conflict to happen because we know it will ruin the relationship. We rather take it and let it be free. And sometimes we just rather keep the unhappiness inside our heart and let the virus stay in us. Perhaps, one day to explode. The stupidity and the weakness of human being.

I wish I could have a giant kindness heart which I can accept many things that principally unacceptable. Can you forgive someone who repeating doing the same mistake? Can you forgive and let go the hard feeling if someone betray you? Can you forgive if someone kill your loved ones? Can you forgive the strong bully the weak? How can we take it if it bothers us so much? Life is simple. Human is not simple. Human is the one who makes the life complicated.

If I have a choice, I wish I am a bird...... fly across borders and set mind free.

Computer Addict

The world has changed. Technology has taken the way we live and undeniable become part of our lifestyle. Personally I feel is alright to use computer to a limit but not almost all the hours before and after you awake from sleep. Geez... Do you have a problem with computer addiction? Test yourself below!

Ten Symptoms of Computer Addiction

• A demonstrated "loss of control" when trying to stop or limit the amount of time on the computer. (Breaking promises to self or others. Promising to quit or cut down and not being able to do so)
• Being dishonest or minimizing the extent of the time you stay on the computer, or covering up or being dishonest about what activities you participate in when on the computer.
• Negative consequences experienced by the computer user or his/her friends or family as a direct result of time or activities spent on the computer.
• Participation in high risk or normally unacceptable behaviors when using the computer. Compromising your morals and values based on the opportunity to remain anonymous and protected on the computer. (a good test for this is to ask yourself if your spouse, partner or family would approve of what you were doing on the computer)
• An overdeveloped sense of importance for the computer in ones life. Defending your right to use the computer as much as desired, regardless of the fact that people in your life are feeling left out and neglected. (denial of the problem and justification; not being able to hear or feel what the other people are saying regarding your computer behavior)
• Mixed feelings of euphoria (a "rush"), combined with feelings of guilt brought on by either the inordinate amount of time spent on the computer or the abnormal behavior acted out while using the computer.
• Feelings of depression or anxiety when something or someone shortens your time or interrupts your plans to use the computer.
• Preoccupation with the computer and computer activities when you are not using the computer (thinking about the computer and its activities when doing something else; i.e. having a family dinner, working on project deadline etc.)
• Finding yourself using the computer at times when you are feeling uncomfortable, irritated, or sad about something happening in your life. ( feeling uncomfortable in your relationship, so you will self medicate and "hide out" on the computer) Using time on the computer to become externally focused outside yourself as a way to avoid facing what is happening in your life, and avoiding feeling the appropriate feelings inside yourself. (self medicating)
• Experiencing financial concerns or problems in your life as a result of money being spent on computer hardware, computer on-line charges, or any other costs associated with computers. (Spending money on computer related items which should have been allocated to other normal living expenses)

Which is more important?

Love, Career, Family, Friends, how you arrange the priority? Which one means more to you? Most of us have thought about it and seriously make the list in order to our main concern. In fact, we don’t have to do that.

Some people perceive love the first concern. When she lost her love, she realizes that love is not so important. Career is more important. Some people put career in the first place and family the second. But when she reached her career peak, she would feel so lonely. And by the time she would sacrifice anything to gain back her family and the happy moment.

Love, career, family, friends, vision, principle, dignity, goal…. Each of them is important. They are not stand alone or to be chosen.

Life is a puzzle. Each puzzle makes up a complete picture of life. We all are searching for life puzzles. Piece by piece…. in different shape and color which signify memories we would have and the path we are walking through. Each piece is important. Because each pieces happens for a reason.

We can’t remedy the past. But we can move forward to create a better future. Everyone has a puzzle to complete. It takes time to look for each piece to complete the puzzle. How the end is not completely important. The journey of finding the pieces counts more. And don’t ask which is more important because they are all important.

Make a career move

It has been 2 years working in Astro. It's not too long and it's not too short for me especially for a person who can't stand routine job. In fact, excitement and changes are things I seek. However, I have been telling myself to stay still, learn more and give my best at work no matter what. So I give myself a time limit of 2 years. 2 years of learning what I have to learn and be able to develop my skills and practice them. And of course expecting for a better career direction, promotion and increment. Always look at the things I am doing and have done if there are improvements. However I found my passion has gone. I doubt. I am lost. Who am I now? What are my goals and dreams? What is motivating me? Recognition? Reward? Money? or just to please people for their request, fulfill their needs and get myself nothing at the end? It sounds so good to say I am working in Astro-AMP and people are impressed. Ya thanks to Astro's tagline - make life richer.

Now, I have come to a cross road where I have to choose to stay or leave. Astro package offer to staff is good. It will make staff stay for some time if you feel comfortable with what you get. But I question myself? Should I let these offers attract me to stay and remain getting the same salary or slight increment? Should I stay with this job? But how long it can last? Will I be happy?To work in such a big company with so many levels and layers, the possibility to get thing you want is limited. The thing is my heart feels I can do better out there and earning better pay for my big effort. What I need is people who reckon me and give me the opportunity.... And, I follow my heart. Because there is no meaning to stay anymore due to several reasons.

So, if you are thinking of how to make your career move and doubt why you are not satisfied and motivated with your performance. I would say FIRST- pick a boss. The boss is probably the biggest factor in your career success. A boss who doesn't trust you won't give you opportunities to grow. A boss who's too easy on you won't drive you to improve. When you accept your first job, you're hiring a tutor to teach you about work. Be sure to hire wisely. =)

And these are the thoughts I feel I really need to move on:
Over time, the most important skill for advancing your career is learning how to work to an agenda rather than to a schedule. A successful business person always kills more than one bird with one stone.Figure out what needs to happen, then find ways to make it happen.

Be realistic about your talents and the character of the people hiring you. Be clear about the consequences of failure. And be diligent in assessing the help you'll need. If you increase the odds of success, you'll create the confidence to make big leaps.

Be careful about getting too good at one thing. The world around you keeps changing, and if you can't change with it, you're in trouble. So develop ways to open your mind. Don't always read the same section of the newspaper first. Don't always visit the same Web sites. Look for adventure. If you feel as if you can't get much better at something, do something else.

And after all, I want to be somebody!

April 1st

It's a rainy Sunday morning. As usual, I always sleep longer in the weekend. I treasure this moment very much as no chance to do over the hustle n bustle weekdays getting to work. The weather has reminded me of the relaxing time in Australia 2 years back where I will go to Italian cafe in the city and have a cup or two of coffee with French toast. I still remember the French toast comes with fresh banana and syrup on top. It was superdelicious! Feel so warm by sitting and relaxing with no worries of tomorrow. People are friendly, strangers will just talk and share stories. Can feel the liveliness of people. Provoking and spiritual. However, Malaysia is different. The feeling is different. The culture is different. Personally, I wish Malaysia's media industry can create some production and work which reflects the way Malaysian are and I believe it would be very interesting.